2 AM Thoughts

grayscale photo of hour glass on rock

What does it look like to love God with all my heart?

We look to see what everyone else is doing.

What people are posting?

How else can I serve?

What more can I do?

Why can’t my kids behave so we can go more places?

Honestly, I like to stay busy. My mind doesn’t shut down much. I wanna go and do and be everywhere and not miss out. I love people.

So picture this.

4 children.

All boys.

👏🏻 ALL BOY 👏🏻 8,5,2 and newborn.

A few are social butterflies and share my love for people. One not so much and panics when we have plans we haven’t talked through. One is super needy. 😂

Sometimes as chaos explodes. Honestly on the daily. 🙌🏻
I find myself asking the Lord…and I quote, “You see this right?”

How can I love these needy humans?
Will I survive one more bath time?
Our house is wrestling mania. This is Why we can’t have nice things. If they ask for another snack I’m burning the kitchen down.

Jesus has to see allllll these distractions HE GAVE ME!

These little people.

These HARD and HOLY things.

My season doesn’t look the most glamorous.

Laundry for a family of 6 is a tad bit soul-sucking.

So at 2 am when I’m sleep-deprived and feeding a 5-week-old every kid has woken up and is now lying on my floor to be near us.

And I’m not in deep thought. More like a glazed-over brain fog fighting to stay awake.

And the question pops into my mind: How can I love the Lord with all my heart?

If I can’t go and do more.

If I just can’t get all my free-range chickens in a row.

If I can’t stay on top of my dishes.

If I can’t get enough sleep.

And I remember a quote that has been in my notes on my phone forever. It’s from one of my favorite books:

“The world clamors, “Do More! Be all that you can be!” But our Father whispers, “Be still and know that I am God.” – Having a Mary heart in a Martha World

Yeah that being still part is a hard one for me.

So even when the Lord asks me to do something that is not my thing. Not my favorite. Not my greatest season.

How wild it is that even in the thick of it Jesus chases after my heart.

And gives me what I NEED.

A season to be still.

To know that He is God.

So here I am in the stillness. Rocking a baby. Potty training a 2-year-old. Keeping a calm schedule with a needy 5-year-old. Doing homework with an 8-year-old who would rather NOT!

Hard but Holy things.

The enemy wants us to think hard things are not of value. Simple things are not enough. We NEED more. We NEED to be seen.

What a lie.

What I need is to be obedient.

I just finished reading the book of Ruth. And she was unaware of the larger purpose of her life. The child she would have out of being obedient. She would unknowingly be in the lineage of Jesus.

I might not get to see the result of raising little boys to men. But when we keep the perspective of eternity..the little things matter.

Being obedient.

The reward will outweigh the sacrifice.

I wish I wrote this out of a place of, “Yeah…I did that. I was/am living in obedience.”

But this little ramble…it’s for me.

The Lord constantly reminds me of my ever-present need for Him. I can’t obey. I can’t do hard and holy things without him.

This verse has been on repeat in my house and in my conversations with my husband:

For I know the plans I have for you” — this is the Lord’s declaration — “plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬-13‬

It is an invitation to come and seek him.

So whatever season you’re in the thick of, the fruit-bearing might not be glamorous but keep the lens of eternity.

Seek Him and live!

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