I had a cool Jesus moment I wanted to share that happened this past Saturday and as I processed what I was going to write the Lord kept bringing to mind so many things.
So, I will get to the short story…only after I tell the big picture story first.
God only lets us see what is right in front of us. One step at a time. Having to trust his directions. My prayer for the last year has been, “Thank you Lord that you go before me and see what I don’t.”
This story goes back to February.
2 little pink lines. Unplanned. Unexpected. With 3 little sets of feet running circles around me. Joy and fear were at an all-time high. We bought a big house. Got rid of a year’s worth of baby things. All the essentials. All the baby clothes. Gone. Ready to embrace 3 little boys and the adventure…and hello Hall baby #4 SURPRISE.
We had lots of fun comments on this.
Yes, we know where babies come from.
Yes, our hands are full.
Yes, we are excited.
No, we were not trying for a girl. 🙃
As it all set in, Aaron and I prayed about how to move forward. The Lord had told Aaron I was pregnant and when I found out I knew something was different.
The Lord quite frequently reminds me that I’m not in control.
That I must CONSTANTLY surrender to His will vs. my own.
Well, here we are. I’m rocking my almost 2-week-old as I write this.
The 9 months were good. Hard. 3 littles running around. Work. A house to keep up. Little people souls with HUGE emotions to love and I just want to take a nap.
But during this time, we KNOW the Lord brought us to a birthing center instead of what we had already known so well: a hospital with the last 3 boys. I knew what to expect. How to go about that.
A birthing center is foreign to me. Terrifying actually. The thought of no pain meds. The unknown.
It was surely the Lord that directed me there because my FLESH was NOT! If you know me then you know that I would have probably talked anyone out of a birthing center a few years ago. I had a traumatic first-time birth and there are WAY too many unknowns.
He spoke it to my heart.
I knew it was what I had to do.
It’s funny how when the Lord speaks something to us the enemy does everything in his power to make Jesus a liar.
At nighttime, I would have panic attacks. The enemy would get me when I was alone trying to speak lies that I wasn’t strong enough. That I couldn’t handle the pain.
What if happens – What if I am wrong and God didn’t tell me to do this?
What a thief.
He comes in the dark to steal.
The Lord is so gracious to constantly re-affirm in me what He asked of me. I’m thankful that the Lord didn’t get sick of me asking, “Are you sure God? Like really sure?”
We had ups and downs with my blood pressure (no surprise there because I get high BP only when I’m pregnant) I was fearful the birthing center wouldn’t allow me to deliver there. The enemy quickly tried to tell me, “See you were wrong…the Lord didn’t tell you.”
But the Lord did!
Each baby appointment was more of an inner healing counseling for me. Yes, they checked the baby. But most importantly they checked on me. They talked through my fear. They had me make a “specific” prayer list for delivery. Walked me through so much internal fear that I had to surrender to the Lord.
Surrender is a good word for Banner’s birth story.
The day came and I will spare the details but the Lord was IN THE ROOM.
Every prayer that I wrote down.
Jesus did what He said he was going to do!
I had to surrender. My peace for His.
And when it was over. We praised Him. A fresh baby on my chest. We praised God together.
My midwife. My doula. My husband. My friends. We stopped and praised the Lord right there.
2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.“
Jesus has constantly had to show a hard-headed Sarah that “He is who He says He is.” He is faithful. I can trust Him. And I have seen His goodness.
Whew. Thanks for reading this far.
Back to my little story from Saturday! 🙃
11 days old and struggling to breathe. Chest looks like it’s sinking in. Won’t wake up to eat. We are at the ER.
After breathing treatments and having to catheter a newborn (insert ugly crying). It’s IV time. Banner was dehydrated from not waking up to eat well. In both arms, the vein blew. The last resort was the head.
Oliver my 8-year-old son was in the NICU and had a head IV.
The enemy sure knows how to trigger my past trauma. Watching the lady try one side of his head… the same thing. Vein blew.
She told me not to watch as she did the other side. Baby screaming. ER packed and loud.
I closed my eyes and asked Jesus to give me His peace.
Not my fake version of everything is fine.
Not my fake all is calm and perfect kind.
The kind that covers an ER room.
The kind that covers sleep-deprived parents that just left 3 little boys so fast to get the baby help.
The kind that doesn’t have answers.
Peace that isn’t connected to our circumstances.
And He did.
He covered that room.
My mamas heart.
The IV stuck.
They got what they needed.
I had to turn away from what I could physically see and surrender my peace to a God who sees what I don’t.
AND HE DELIVERED! 🙌🏻👏🏻
Banner is home. He is well. Breathe in his lungs. Born with something called Pectus..looks very scary but he is going to be okay.
A constant battle of the enemy vs. my Savior.
Over what we can’t see. Our soul. Our spirit.
I would be a lair to say that I don’t sometimes let the enemy steal my peace and my joy…(Hello loud house with all boys as a family of 6.) I believe the Lord allows moments like these for me to look back and see his faithfulness.
To see His goodness in the chaos.
The things I don’t have answers for.
The weight of parenting 4 boys.
But oh His Goodness. I have tasted and seen.
I will forever tell my children where my hope lies
and who the real liar is.
John 16:33, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”